To My Childhood Abuse,
It feels a little strange speaking directly to you after all this time – since you’ve played such a huge role in my life. My goodness so entwined in me I almost don’t know where I stopped and you began. I’ve traveled many places, attended a variety of schools, held many jobs – and even during important life events like my wedding & the birth of my children you never left my side. The one constant in my life, and you’ve never shown signs of growing weary of me. You’ve almost made THE most lasting impression of anyone or anything in my life – almost. It’s difficult to know how to be without you.
But I want to try.
I met you 41 years ago when you found your opportunity to attach yourself to me. It was a vice grip that nearly choked the life out of me. It’s amazing how I learned to breathe with very little air. Year after year you embedded yourself so deep down in my core that it seemed right and natural. I believed the lies you fed me: I was worthless, dirty, incapable of love, and deserved it all. I accepted your gifts of: depression, anger, fear, anxiety, sadness, and hate – which in turn brought: self-hatred, insecurity, poor self-image and hopelessness. Way too much for one person to handle.
I blinked and suddenly I had three precious babies in my life. How could a person like me not screw them up? I panicked and realized I was never enough for you and at some point you’d come for them too. There was a moment when it became too much and I desired to be free of the memories, pain and fear and delivered from your grip. After many years of trying to break free I considered ending my own life – and nothing would have made you happier.
Because then your plan would be complete.
The problem is that you didn’t take into account that you picked the wrong girl. I’m a fighter and will never give up – because you and I were never meant to be. I may have lost many battles but I choose to win the war.
So this letter is to put you on notice.
We’ve been together for so long but it’s time for us to finally break up and part ways. It’s not me it’s you… I’ve always known you weren’t good for me. I can see there is a great big wonderful life without you – and I want it. Even when I was in the depths of my misery I didn’t allow you to touch my children. I protected them from you with every ounce of my being – something I wish had been done for me. While my children love me they will never fully understand my struggle to overcome you (because they don’t know you) – and nothing could make ME happier.
It’s time for you to move out and take all your belongings with you. I don’t want them any longer as they were never a good fit anyway. As I prepare for the final few battle rounds between us I know this requires new training and strategies. You almost won’t see it coming. I’m waiting for the moment I finally get YOU in that choke hold and you can experience what I’ve felt my entire life. Please understand you will receive the same mercy given to me – none.
There will never ever be a chance that we will get back together. I don’t want you to call or write or even pass you by on the street. As awful as were together I will not forget you – as I realize I’ve learned a lot from you:
- How strong and resilient I really am
- How to identify BS in situations and also in others
- How to recognize pain in others & my desire to help them
- A deepened trust & relationship with God
- Not to take things for granted
- Understand & appreciate joy and peace
- There is always a way where there seems to be no way
It helps drive me to know that one day you will become a very distant memory. You (cycle of abuse) end with me. You will never meet my children or my grandchildren or their children’s children for generations to come. This shame and pain that I’ve carried my entire life will have been forgotten and your time my friend will be erased. That day has not arrived yet but I know it’s just around the corner – I can almost taste it.
Part of my problem is that I’ve operated from a place of survival. So I now have changed my tactics and moved to the offensive team. I will smile when your grip is finally gone, because I will then fill my lungs with a full, deep breath. I will use it to spend the rest of my life exposing you for the bully, liar and coward that you really are – and to let others know that they deserve better too.
Because then MY plan would be complete.