Fluid Truth

Standard

It doesn’t matter what your political views might be or your party affiliation – you have to admit this past election season was anything but a snooze fest.     I’ve shared in a previous post that I love the outrageous drama that is an essential component of reality television.  Who could have ever guessed that this past election would offer more colorful characters, secret plots and outlandish behavior ever on public display.

WikiLeaks, accusations to and from a Former Miss Universe, FBI ending email probe, the vague FBI letter in newly discovered emails, a new FBI letter clearing Hillary, Access Hollywood Tape Leak of hot mic moment, angry protests at rallies, plagiarism, accusations of JFK assassination connections, hacked emails exposing bias with DNC chair, and the ongoing investigation into Russian hacking.

The drama surrounding this election made the dark political drama House of Cards look tame in comparison .  I hate to admit that I found myself constantly checking in for the latest election buzz on the news, online or on my phone.  I was captivated by the minute-by-minute hoopla where we watched individuals scratch and claw their way to the White House.  Such a sad, pathetic display of unsportsmanlike conduct from beginning to end.

Facts changed to meet the need of the candidate in the moment.  Truth became fluid and constantly changed shape.  On and on it went to the point it was difficult to believe anything that was told.  Truth was lost in a barrage of lies and we were left to try to figure it out on our own…

When I was about nine years old I went to a carnival at a local park with my brother and sister.  There were so many rides and games and food that looked so enticing and fun.  My parents gave us each money to spend however we liked.  I walked around the entire carnival twice so I could figure out how I wanted to best use my money.

I played a couple of fun carnival games and even bought some cotton candy but I saved the last few dollars on something special – a fortune-teller. There was a woman dressed in dark clothes and sat behind a table with a crystal ball.  It looked ominous, exciting and just what I needed.  I was a little nervous when I walked up to the table but I really wanted to know if she was real.  There were things happening to me and around me and I needed to know if it would ever end.  Would I live with abuse much longer?  Would I be saved?  I needed to know if my life would ever change for the better.

Before I could ask this stranger such private questions about my life – I needed to find out if she truly had the power to see and know supernatural things.  But how?  This just wasn’t a game for me – it was my painful life.  The idea that I could walk away with information that could help me endure current horrific abuse – was crucial to me.   At the time it never occurred to me she could tell me it would never end.  If she had I don’t know what I would have done.  Or maybe she would have reported it to the police?  I was a kid and didn’t think things out that far.  My desperate little heart needed to know there was a way out, and I looked to this fortune-teller to give me hope.

So I sat down at the table and handed her my money.  I remember looking at her eyes which had heavy black eyeliner and mascara around them.  Could this woman tell me the truth?  She looked at me and said ask me any question you want?  I took a deep breath and swallowed and asked her a question I already knew the answer to have my parents ever lied to me?  You see I had recently discovered they had and I was devastated.

Months prior my father asked me what is one thing you really want?  I didn’t even have to think of the answer I already knew – for them to stop smoking pot.  It was around us all the time and he and my mom smoked it all the time.  As previously written in the post (fruitcake hate) it was a factor in my sexual and physical abuse.  I think I surprised my parents that day because maybe they thought I would say a new bike or record for my stereo or something else.  He looked at me for a minute and said okay I promise we will never smoke pot again.  I couldn’t believe it and I was so happy!  I remember skipping all the way to school in the rain.  I didn’t care I was getting wet – my parents would no longer smoke pot – which meant no more pot parties – which meant no more sexual predators.  Or so I thought.

Not long after I discovered that they were both smoking pot again and the parties never stopped.  My heart dropped to my feet.  I believed them when they said they would stop.  My parents had never lied to me before.  In fact, my father always told us the importance of keeping your word to others.  You never broke your word.  So it never occurred to me that he would break his word to me.  At first I asked them if they were smoking pot again because I could smell it, but they denied it and said no.  I think at first they tried to hide it but eventually they did it out in the open again.

This fortune-teller had no clue how important her answer was to me.  I needed for her to be legitimate because I needed much more important information from her.  She looked me straight in the eye and said no, your parents have never lied to you.  I was crushed.  She was a fake and a phony.  I’m sure she thought she was saying the right thing to a little kid but it was absolutely the wrong answer.  I got up and walked away feeling cheated.

Recently the uncle that sexually abused me was questioned by the police.  He was asked if my accusations were true – did he sexually molest me?  He said he didn’t remember.  Lie.  I didn’t expect someone who has spent most of his life in and out of prison to tell the truth but it did still sting.  Insulting really considering he apologized to me for it.  Then later I asked my mother if she remembered physically abusing me as a child and she said she didn’t remember.  More insulting lies.  Is the truth ever-changing for them to match their current state of their heart and mind?  To be fair my mom later told me she does remember some things but I couldn’t tell you what it is she remembers.

Maybe if you lie long enough and to yourself you can actually start believing it’s true.  In the end it is still a lie.  It’s convenient for them to forget but I can never forget.  I wish I could and in fact I’ve tried but it never lasts.  I choose now to walk in the truth and I need others around me to do the same.  Truth never morphs or adapts to meet your need at the time.  The truth is powerful and accurate and genuine and factual and precise and honest and righteous.  Often times the truth does hurt but it can also set you free.  I realized when you don’t walk in truth you are a slave to lies.

And I choose freedom.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

One thought on “Fluid Truth

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s