DAY 39 (326 left until 2018)
CURRENT BATTLES ( ):
- Isolating myself from others
- Constant inner-dialogue regarding my weight and looks (which isn’t positive)
- Rejection from family and others
- Aversion to touch
- Accepting love and compliments
OBJECTIVES (actions intended to accomplish purpose or goal):
- Stay in counseling
- Schedule time for daily devotional and journaling
- Make time to speak more to my younger and teenage self for better awareness on what I’m feeling and need
- Begin to intentionally work to break the habit of how I respond to all types of touch – retrain thinking and physical responses (whether it be platonic or intimate)
- Fight against endless negative mind speak about myself (focus on what God and others who love me have to say)
- Stop laughing off compliments and begin to say thank you – allow those words to soak in my soul and enjoy them.
- Stop looking for unconditional love & acceptance from people who refuse to give it AND accepting it isn’t my fault
There is something inside me that believes this year will end different from how it began. That there will be deeper breakthrough and healing. What exactly? I’m not entirely sure but I want it. I am moving full force in counseling. My main area of focus is success with intimacy with Robbie. In this process I’ve discovered how much in my daily life I experience triggers. I didn’t realize it was as much as it is and explains a lot.
I’ve fallen away from spending time reading and praying which is very important to me. Journaling has always helped me communicate to God and myself. Why I choose to not do it is beyond me but I need to force myself to start again.
Learning to speak to my younger and teenage self has been mind-blowing because IT WORKS! After I got past feeling like a psycho and truly allowing myself to ask questions and just listen – it has been insightful, heartbreaking and overall vital to my healing process.
The biggest breakthrough so far this year is in the area of letting go. The saying “when people show you who they are believe them” is so true. I finally had to accept that actions speak louder than words or sometimes even in conjunction with words. I made the decision to let go of painful, toxic, codependent and emotionally abusive relationships. I’ve been hanging on for a long time in the hopes of change. Then I realized one day I was hanging on to something that was hurting me. My choice to remain in these relationships was damaging me. There is sorrow in my decision but I am now able to begin to heal and be FREE.
AREAS OF FOCUS:
- Attend the gym at least 3 times a week
- Wake up 30 minutes earlier Monday through Friday to journal and pray
- Speak positive words of affirmation over myself daily
- Begin to identify when I’m mentally attacking myself – and immediately STOP!
- Become more affectionate towards Robbie and learn to laugh more with him
Last week Robbie and I watched a commercial which showed a loving family spending time together, eating dinner and sharing loving moments. It was heart warming and beautiful. Immediately I became sad thinking about my childhood and said “I wish I had that”. Robbie responded “You did – you created that for our children”. It was the most loving and sweetest thing he has ever said to me. I wanted to cry and laugh at the same time – and in that moment I never loved him more.